What are five ways to support your widowed friend?

Whether you’re a friend, a family member, a colleague, or a mental health professional, supporting a widow through grief can be tough!

Bearing witness to their suffering and feeling powerless to help can make us feel so helpless. So, we sometimes say something just to say something but end up saying the wrong thing. And then, in our own discomfort, we avoid bringing it up ever again for fear of another awkward blooper, eek! Unfortunately, if everyone in the griever’s life does this while simultaneously assuming someone else is supporting them, this perpetuates the loneliness, isolation, confusion, and overwhelm that a griever is already feeling.

To reduce the loneliness, isolation, confusion, overwhelm, and all the other BIG emotions people feel in the context of grief, I offer 1:1 support in my psychotherapy practice to grievers from all walks of life and all sorts of relationships with the deceased. By no means an exhaustive list, below are  five (ahem, 16) ways to support that grieving person in your life, informed from the experiences of grievers who’ve heard it all.

#1 When you don’t know what to say, it’s okay. Say just that.

#2 You don’t know how they feel, if you’ve been unfortunate enough to experience grief in your own life, and certainly if you haven’t. But! What you *do* know is how you felt in the face of your own grief. Start there… “I may not know how you feel, but I remember feeling ___ when my ___ died…”

#3 Everyone is saying, “I’m here for you” or “let me know if you need anything,” but few are actually following up their words with actions. So, hearing it starts to feel like an empty offer. Instead of “let me know what I can do,” offer tangible things you can do. You can go grocery shopping, make them food, do their laundry, clean the house, mow their lawn, shovel the snow, run an errand, accompany them to an appointment…

#4 Be present with your friend, loved one, coworker, or client in their grief. Don’t try to make them feel better and don’t try to “fix” their grief. Grief is a natural process on its own timeline. Let them talk it out, let them cry, let them be angry, without directing.

#5 Understand that grief is not a neat and tidy process by which we go through step-by-step stages and then reach the finish line. Grief, like any other emotional process, is messy and disorganized. It can feel like two steps forward, then three back, then three forward, then two back. Over and over again.

#6 Don’t put an expiration date on someone’s grief or tell someone it’s time to “get over it,” whatever that even means. And for the record, I’ve never met someone completely over the death of their loved one.

#7 If you have genuine concerns that your friend or loved one is stuck in their grief, talk to them about it. If you think they might benefit from professional support, suggest that. I offer grief counseling to widows in my online therapy practice, you can contact me here.

#8 If you feel the urge to put a timeline on someone’s grief, turn inward. What’s that really about? And where are your attitudes informed from? There are so many arbitrary “rules” for grief with unclear origins and they’re just unhelpful. Really evaluate your own attitudes about grief before telling someone it’s time to move on, they’ve grieved long enough, and they just need to accept the death. Judgment rarely brings two people closer together.

#9 If you’ve lost a loved one, you’re welcome to share how long it took you to start to feel your new normal, but don’t assume that’s how long it will take someone else. Grief is by no means a cookie cutter experience.

#10 Throw all those euphemisms out the window, down the toilet, or into the fire pit! Seriously. While your words may be well-meaning, telling a loved one “they’re in a better place,” “they’re no longer suffering,” or that “this too shall pass” is not helpful.

#11 When people die, especially younger and seemingly healthy people, morbid curiosity kicks into overdrive and people want to know what happened, how did they die? Put that morbid curiosity on the back burner for a minute and ask how they lived, or how the griever wants them to be remembered, not how they died. It’s actually none of your business.

#12 Did you know the person who died? What was your favorite memory of them or how will you remember them for their kindness, integrity, or some of other positive quality? Share that with the griever.

#13 If you didn’t know the person who died, ask to be introduced. Ask them about their favorite foods, recipes, hobbies, causes that were important to them, quirks and idiosyncrasies. The possibilities here are endless. Most grievers enjoy talking about their loved ones and are afraid others will forget them after they die, these kinds of questions keep their memory alive.

#14 Don’t impose your religion or spirituality onto another person. Maybe you believe the person who died has been reunited with god, but keep that to yourself unless you know 1000% that it will be helpful and comforting for the griever to hear.  

#15 If you’ve been unfortunate enough to lose a loved one, think back on the most supportive and the least helpful things people said to you or did for you. Pay it forward by offering the most supportive things. And sometimes it’s enough to say, “I don’t know what to say,” rather than to say the wrong thing.

#16 Do not explain or rationalize the death to the person who lost their loved one. Just because beloved Grandma Josephine was 97 years old, doesn’t mean you should say, “she was old and lived a long life…”

Well that was certainly more than five! I’m on a mission to make grief more comfortable and approachable so grievers feel less alone and isolated in their grief experience. I hope there was at least one little nugget in the list above that will be helpful to you!

CONSIDERING Grief COUNSELING For widows?

Hi, I’m Nikki. A graduate of the University of Michigan School of Social Work and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 17+ years of experience. In my online therapy practice, I support women and widows through life’s tough transitions. Contact me here for your FREE 15-minute consultation!