How do I cope with the death of my husband?

Your husband, wife, fiancé, or partner died. In an instant, your life has been dichotomized into the before and after. Your identity was so intwined with who you were as a partner, that you now question who you are as a person. In their death, you've lost a part of yourself, and it feels like an amputation. The world you knew is now completely, irreversibly, and permanently altered. It’s overwhelming and unbearable.

How do I cope with the death of my spouse, partner or fiancé?

So how do you cope? (If you’re grieving another kind of loss, or even a relationship ending, don’t shy away from reading the suggestions below, they may help you, too!)

With your world completely turned upside down, it's important to bring it back to the basics. Our basics are the foundation from which healthy routines and overall health and wellness bloom.  Think about those basics as eating, drinking (water), sleeping, moving your body, and other forms of self-care.

Eat regular meals. Stay hydrated. Exercise regularly, even gentle walks for now. Limit alcohol consumption. Excessive alcohol use can be a form of avoidance or numbing behavior and it’s important to move through emotions, not numb them (which doesn’t make them go away). Prioritize sleep.

Routine makes life feel more predictable and grief is anything but predictable.

Once you’ve prioritized those basics, create as much routine as you can. For example, eat your meals at the same time each day. Go to bed at the same time each night/wake up at the same time each day. Exercise on the same days of the week.

How to survive the death of a spouse?

Build in connection with others. Grief is so lonely and isolating. If you live alone, don’t spend too much time in your own company, especially on the weekends. Get out of the house for a walk, a cup of coffee, or lunch with a friend, even for just and hour or two.

Ask for help. It’s hard to know what you need when you need it. I’m sure there were countless people who offered to help in the form of “Let me know what I can do!” or “Let me know what you need!” Consider what you need and are having a hard time managing on your own. Do you need someone to cook a meal once/week, keep you company on Sunday afternoon? Watch your kids for an hour so you can go for a run or a walk? Mow your lawn? Asking or help is never easy, but well-meaning friends and family want to support you.

Manage your expectations. First, assess them. What are you telling yourself about where you “should” be and when you should be there by? Typically, these expectations are arbitrary and unrealistic. If you’re not where you think you should be, go back to those basics.

Take care of yourself the best you can day-to-day with all the suggestions above. The key phrase here is day-to-day. I can not stress this enough. Do your best to focus on today today and tomorrow when it comes. When we think too far into the future, we’re easily overwhelmed. Wherever it is you’re going, know you’ll get there, but also know grief is a marathon, not a sprint.

Will I ever get over the loss of my husband (or partner)?

Truthfully, grief never really ends. It changes. Here’s a few more things that can help boost mood, reduce anxiety and distress, as well as offer some perspective.

Social support. Grief is never easy, but one of the ways we can move through grief more easily is by increasing social support. It is certainly true that some people in your network will be more supportive than others. But you can’t go this journey alone, you’ll need support. How can you expand it? Consider virtual forums, local support groups, group therapy,  or 1:1 counseling.

I offer online grief counseling for widows in Michigan as well as Connecticut, Florida, Indiana, Ohio, and South Carolina. Contact me today to schedule your free grief counseling consultation!

Gratitude. If you’re not in the mood to write in more narrative ways on a regular basis, making room for gratitude in grief can also have a positive impact on mood and stress. What if you were to make a list of three things you’re grateful for each day? Gratitude is not the same as toxic positivity and is not meant to focus only on the positive while ignoring the negative. But, when we focus only one what we’ve lost, we miss out on what’s left.

Journaling. There is plenty of research out there exploring the positive effects of journaling and how the process of taking pen to paper can alleviate symptoms of depression, anxiety, and distress, all common in the experience of grief.

So how does journaling work to alleviate distressing symptoms? First, it’s a way for us to get our emotions out rather than sweeping them under the rug, ignoring, denying, or avoiding them. Second, writing down our experiences in an organized and sequential fashion allows some distance from our experience which allows us to understand them in new ways. Processing trauma through writing may give you a sense of control over your own story or narrative. Below are a few journal prompts to get you started:

• What are my expectations about my grief? Where do they come from? Are they realistic for me and my experience?

• What losses have you experienced in the past and how have you moved through them? This taps into strengths you may forgot you had!

• What’s lost? What’s left? And what’s possible?

CONSIDERING Grief COUNSELING for Widows?

Hi, I’m Nikki. A graduate of the University of Michigan School of Social Work and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 17+ years of experience. In my online therapy practice, I support women and widows through life’s tough transitions, traumas, losses, and other adversities. Contact me here for your FREE 15-minute consultation!