Why is Self-Compassion Important as We Grieve?
What is self-compassion, anyway? Self-compassion is the practice of becoming a good friend to ourselves.
“Through self-compassion we become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy.”-Kristin Neff
What are the three components of self-compassion?
Self-kindness: When was the last time you made a mistake? Failed at something? Bombed a job interview? Put your foot in your mouth? How did you respond to your mistake, misstep or perceived failure? If you’re like most people, you probably beat yourself up in some way. But, when was the last time a friend or loved one confided in you that they had made a mistake or failed at something? And how was your response to them different than your response to yourself? I bet you were kind, supportive, patient, and empathic toward your friend. Self-kindness is putting a supportive arm around our own shoulder and treating ourselves in that same way we would a dear friend.
Common Humanity: Are you perfect? Can you think of anyone in your life who is perfect? Probably not. By nature, humans are flawed works in progress who make mistakes, fail at times, and experience hardship. When we suffer and experience pain, we tend to think were alone in our suffering which makes us feel isolated. But when we remember that everyone experiences pain, loss, hardship, failures, and insecurities, we can feel less alone in our suffering.
Mindfulness: The practice of mindfulness is being present in any given moment and noticing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations…without judgment. Often we label and judge thoughts and feelings. But the reality is we have no control over the thoughts and feelings that pop into our heads in any given moment. What we do have control over is how we respond to them. What would it be like to simply observe without judging?
Why is Self-compassion important?
Self-compassion is an antidote to self-pity. Instead of “poor me,” we acknowledge that life is hard for everyone (common humanity).
Self-compassion enhances our resilience in the face of difficulties (including trauma and grief).
Self-compassion can make us more caring, supportive, and forgiving in our relationships.
Self-compassion can lessen feelings of depression, anxiety, stress, and shame (all of which can be present in the experience of grief).
And self-compassion can increase levels of happiness, self-confidence, satisfaction with life and overall health.
Why is self-compassion difficult in grief?
We can become consumed with what we think we should or shouldn’t be doing, wondering if we’re grieving the right way or if we’re going crazy, worrying about what others think of us, and afraid that people will think we’re “moving on” too quickly or not fast enough.
And we don’t need any of that. What we need instead as we grieve is comfort, compassion, non-judgment, openness, support, self-awareness and observation, and acknowledgement and acceptance (from ourselves and others) of how we feel in any given moment.
Is self-care and self-compassion the same?
What is self-care? Identifying your needs and attending to them, taking care of yourself and your health, especially in times of stress. Self-care can look like anything from setting healthy boundaries, saying no when you need to, getting enough sleep, making time for regular exercise, meditating, reading for pleasure, and even engaging your creative side. Arguably, self-compassion is a form of self-care.
“The quintessential self-compassion question is 'What do I need?'”-Kristin Neff
How do you treat yourself with compassion as you grieve?
We’ll readily tell a friend to let go of comparison, perfectionism, self-judgment, guilt, coulda/shoulda/wouldas, and setting unrealistic expectations on themselves, but rarely take our own advice. Ask yourself:
Can you be more supportive to yourself in a tough moment by being kinder or more patient with yourself?
Can you ask for help when you need it without forcing yourself to push through on your own?
Can you reframe harsh language you use toward yourself (e.g. failure, inadequate, not enough, never do it right, etc)?
Can you be more patient with yourself? When was the last time you grieved? Is there a deadline for your grief to be over? If so, says who?
In what ways can you be more understanding, patient, kind, curious, open, comforting, and supportive toward yourself?
Self-Compassion Exercises for Grief
Managing difficult emotions in grief. Part of the work of grief and grief counseling is learning how to identify, sit with, and move through painful emotions. When we resist, we deny or refuse to feel our emotions. When we explore, we ask ourselves what we’re feeling (identify). When we tolerate, we sit with those painful emotions. When we allow, we make space for those emotions. Remember, all emotions and feelings are temporary. And when we befriend our emotions, we ask what can we learn from it?
Finding the Silver Lining. When we befriend our emotions, we ask what can we learn from them. While NO ONE wants to go through the experience of grief, it’s often the most painful experiences in life that can be our greatest teachers. In the context of your grief, what have you learned about yourself? How has it changed the way you’ve started to view yourself?
CONSIDERING Grief COUNSELING for Widows?
Hi, I’m Nikki. A graduate of the University of Michigan School of Social Work and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 17+ years of experience. In my online therapy practice, I support women and widows through life’s tough transitions. Contact me here for your FREE 15-minute consultation!