Beyond the Smiles: Understanding Toxic Positivity and Finding Happiness Again
can therapy in Ann Arbor, MI make you happier?
I work with clients in the aftermath of life’s seismic events, after a death, a divorce, a health scare, job loss, all things loss. Telling a client to “look on the bight side!” in the aftermath of a devastation is toxic positivity.
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is the idea that no matter how bad things get, we should maintain a positive outlook. In that way, toxic positivity doesn’t allow for the range of emotions we experience in the face of negative life experiences.
Let’s say you lose your job and someone tells you to “look on the bright side,” or you have a miscarriage and someone reminds you that “at least you have other children,” or someone you love dies and a friend tells you that “everything happens for a reason,” or you’re sad/stressed about any given situation and someone tells you to “just be happy” or “don’t worry,” while often well-intentioned, these are all examples of toxic positivity.
Humans are dynamic and experience a range of emotions in any given day, whether or not they are confronting difficult life circumstances. To tell someone not to feel a certain way makes them feel like there’s something wrong with that feeling, which can lead to feelings of guilt and shame.
What is happiness?
Happiness is an emotion, just like fear, sadness, anger, or jealousy. No emotion is fixed or permanent, they come and they go. We feel one way for a moment, then another the next. Happiness is a moment in time, not a destination where we stay. There can be things in life that bring you happiness and joy, but there are bound to be other things that bring sorrow and pain. Life is full of endings, disappointments, rejections, feuds, competitions, and losses… And it’s pretty hard to be happy in the face of those kinds of experiences.
When we assume happiness is a destination, a permanent state to achieve, we set ourselves up for failure, which will inevitably make us feel bad, guilty, and ashamed. “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy?” Focusing on happiness as a destination overlooks all the moments of happiness in a day, week, month, or year.
How can I be happy?
In a recent article in the Atlantic, Arthur Brooks argued that the happiest people have a faith, philosophy, or spiritual compass, are connected to family and stay close with friends, and serve others in their work.
And we all have a genetic set-point of happiness. As if we’re born somewhere on an invisible continuum of happiness. Some of us are just happier than others. No, that is not cause for resignation! In The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt would argue that no matter where we fall on that continuum of happiness, there are things we can do to promote more happiness. Happiness = your genetic set-point + circumstances of your life + your voluntary activities. And he takes it a step further, arguing that while our genetic set-point contributes to about 50% of our happiness, the circumstances of our lives only contribute about 10%, the other 40%? Our voluntary activities.
When it comes to voluntary activities, the possibilities are endless. Therapy, taking a medication, practicing meditation, exercising regularly, and spending qualitiy time with loved ones are all examples of voluntary activities. But taking care of pets, volunteering to a cause that is important to you, doing something that makes you feel more connected to your community, engaging in a hobby like gardening, escaping into a good book, and so many others things can be considered voluntary activities.
What is gratitude?
Like other emotions, gratitude is a temporary state, not a destination where we stay permanently. But unlike other emotions, gratitude takes a conscious effort to notice the good things and appreciate them. But noticing and appreciating the good is not saying “don’t think about the bad!“ I could be having a difficult day and I could appreciate the bright blue summer sky and all the birds cheerfully chirping, both things that give me a little boost. Gratitude practice is like training a muscle. The more we practice, the easier it gets. The practice could also be considered a voluntary activity referenced above.
In the face of a loss, over time, I encourage clients to acknowledge three things: What’s lost? What’s left? And what’s possible? At the beginning of our work together, it’s hard to focus on anything other than what’s lost. But over time, clients start to notice what’s left- great friends, a supportive boss and coworkers, living in a safe community… If we only focus on what’s lost, our outlook is bleak. When we can make room for what’s left, like great friends who support you, the break-up may still feel terrible, but you’ll also feel better knowing there are people in your corner. And when we can make even more room for what’s possible.
In the face of difficult life experiences, we can feel significant amounts of:
Anger and Sadness
Anxiety, Fear, and Helplessness
Feeling alone, isolation, and loneliness
Avoidance and Resistance
Paradoxically, studies show that gratitude can facilitate the opposite reactions and can improve health and wellbeing. Gratitude can:
Increase levels of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, neurotransmitters and hormones that make us feel good
Enhance our mood and foster greater levels of happiness
Facilitate a more positive attitude and outlook
Ground us in the present moment which can lessen anxiety
Reduce cortisol levels- the stress hormone
Improve our relationships by making us feel more connected and cared for
Help us to be more accepting of our circumstances
Improve our sleep quality
You can retrain your brain to make room for the good. Start incorporating a gratitude practice. Encouraging a gratitude practice is not toxic positivity. No one is saying “just be grateful!” And adding a gratitude ritual to your daily life is in no way intended to dismiss or diminish the challenge that youre experiencing. Gratitude allows you to walk a middle path between such a devastating experience and finding the good things in life despite devastating loss.
How do you practice gratitude when life is hard?
Start a gratitude journal. I typically recommend keeping it simple until the daily practice becomes a habit. Every morning, write down three things you are grateful for. Alternatively, every evening before bed, write down three good things that happened that day. With daily practice over time, stop to notice how the practice improves your mood, outlook, and perspective.
Make a gratitude jar. Simply place a jar on a surface you frequently walk by in your home. Next to it, place small pieces of paper or post-its and a pen or pencil. Make it a habit to write down things you’re grateful for as you walk by. Watch the jar fill up over time as a visible reminder of having things to be grateful for.
Make a gratitude list and follow-up with gratitude notes. Start by writing down who you are grateful for followed by why you are grateful to them. You could focus on a new person in your life each day or week, whether it be a parent, partner, sibling, friend, boss or coworker, etc. Write a note card thanking them. You’ll feel good sending it, they’ll feel good receiving it, and your bond will likely be strengthened as a result.
None of these suggestions are meant to diminish bad experiences. But our brains love to focus on the bad, or “automatic negative thoughts” as CBT calls them. A gratitude ritual aims to make a little room for the positive things.
Find a therapist in Ann Arbor and find happiness again
Hi, I’m Nikki. A graduate of the University of Michigan School of Social Work and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 17+ years of experience. In my online therapy practice, I support adults through life’s tough transitions, traumas, losses, and other adversities. Reach out to me to schedule your FREE 15-minute phone consultation.